What When Where How Why and Who?

I found these stones on the beach at St.Davids, and they made me think.

 

Some of us build our relationships like this pile of stones, becoming so dependent on where we place people within our own lives, that if one of them should dare to disappoint, question or annoy us, then the whole structure loses its stability and topples over. To avoid this happening, it is essential, in my book anyway, to really know the people in your own stack, and this can only happen if we not only talk in earnest to them, but also ask things about them and their lives, and even more importantly listen to the answers, and take them on board.

 



Six small and very simple words. So why in my own personal experience are they so seldom used by others. There are but a few people within those that I count as friends and family that have used them when talking to me (of course you all count as well, as you are reading this after all, and do in fact question and comment) . Amanda, Celia, Claire and Rebecca, and a few work colleagues and aquaintances, are but the small and select group of those showing any genuine interest, and use these words. They are key words that must be used when one is even remotely interested in the others perspective on something, or has even a slight desire to know something that may be going on in the others life. I am 53 now, and although there are others in my family, they haven't in all those years ever really used these words when in conversation. In fact, the last time 'What' was used was fifteen years ago, and 'How', some four years ago. How do I know this so exactly you may ask? Well, although meetings and 'conversations' have happened often in all those years, one cannot help but be constantly aware of how one sided the personal interest is, and how the questions of interest only ever come from one direction. I simply remember the question asked, because it was such a rarity, and on each and every occasion, the answer was not really cared for, and the conversation turned back once more to the others 'goings on'. It leaves one feeling very unimportant. I'm sure there are those of you out there who know what I am talking about? The conversation flows, but only in as much as listening to the other tell you about themselves constantly, while showing no interest whatsoever in what is going on in your own life. Any questions that one is lucky enough to receive, isn't followed by a heartfelt interest in the answer, and so the relationship plods on, and on, and on, without there being any real relationship at all.

Some other friends and members of the family, appear to believe that there is a special closeness of some kind, and yet never themselves make any social contact whatsoever. Any desire to meet or talk is only ever made by one side, and never the other, and so once again the relationship plods on, and on, and on. Of course there will be times when one or the other side is tired or distracted, but those must be occasions, rather than the general rule.

For a true and meaningful relationship to survive, there must, in my mind, be a mutual interest from both sides. It doesn't have to be an equal interest, but a mutual one. It doesn't even have to be an actual physical relationship. As bloggers, we can do this through comments, emails, letters, or in some wonderful cases, actually meeting up. We must ask things of one another, hence those important words in the title.

I believe that if we truly and genuinely show an interest in one another, as family, friends or bloggers, then just as the rock pile, we can enjoy a strong and meaningful relationship, but so that we don't use each other as an emotional crutch, maybe turn the pile on it's side. That way we can walk with one another, learn about one another, and not just sit on one another's shoulders.